Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize