Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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