when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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