I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
