you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
