I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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