I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize