I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I deserve this hangover.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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