I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
