I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
