WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
