just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
