meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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