somebody snuck up and got me drunk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
