I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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