I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
