he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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