Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
