My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
