My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
