I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
