i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
