Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize