i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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