ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
