Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The air taste purple.
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