I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
