This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
