totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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