I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
