Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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