I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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