dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
