in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
MIDGETS
????
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
