I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Randomize
