the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
