I want to stick my p in your. b.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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