that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
