My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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