Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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