yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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