I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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