I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
