I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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