After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize