life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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