He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he just fucked me for my cheese..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
