she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
