I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's always time for handjobs
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
