shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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