I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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