we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
