Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
